It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You smell like a Billy Joel song
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
