dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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