Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize