you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
