whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
