The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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