I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
