I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
