she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Randomize
