it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
