Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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