Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
