i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
