I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
you have to choose: penises or morals?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
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