my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
