OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
