i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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