The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Randomize
