It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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