Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
porn star boner night. come get it.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
