i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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