he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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