im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I think your dad took our porno
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize