Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She needs sedatives and a leash
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Randomize
