So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
