I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize