how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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