I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
