this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
