I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
