I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
