Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
