Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
