when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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