he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize