What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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