You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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