I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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