Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I need to calm my uterus...
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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