I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
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