I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
