i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize