genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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