totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
