Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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