What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
