God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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