I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
