I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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