Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
