She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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