He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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