Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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