By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
