I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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