he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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