My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
