I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I stole a fireplace last night.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
