Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
