Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Send help, water and tortillas.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
