How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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