you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
