I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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