He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Randomize
