I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Text me some of your sweat
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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