wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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