remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize